RITE OF PASSAGE

Abandonment is a cycle of destruction, which leaves those that have experienced it feeling empty, worthless, powerless, devalued, and most importantly fragmented.

Those that have experienced abandonment often ask:

Why did you not want me ?
What was wrong with me ?
How was it so easy for you to leave without a thought ?
What did I do wrong ?
Why was I not worth it to stay ?
Why did my existence bother you ?
Why did I deserve this ?
Why did you not love me ?

There are several situations where abandonment may present itself, from the willful actions of careless individuals, a situation where it may have been the best option for that period of time, economic or social factors, or due to the fact that it may have caused shame to the family or society. No matter what the root cause of abandonment, in this article, I will delve into what one with abandonment experiences and to examine the ramifications and lessons of having to rise from destruction.

As a child of abandonment, throughout my experience, I have come to a place of peace and forgiveness as I learned that individuals may only be in your life to bring you into this lifetime however, are not meant to be throughout your lifespan.

When a society is not acceptant of what is beyond the norm, it creates a gyre for those that have faced situations that were beyond their control.

One might ask, why would both parents leave and not even one decide to remain? The answer — we will never know — as it was their trajectory, path, and decision.

Abandonment can take the form of loss from a death of a parent, separation, or worse, deliberate decision to not take accountability, or fear of commitment.

As a child of abandonment growing up in a society where it was not acceptable to not have a nuclear family, I endured a lot of judgement, criticism, expectations for me to fail in life, accused of lacking fundamental structures from not having both a mother and father, expectations that I did not deserve to have a stable relationship, speculation that it was my fault as a baby or even worse non acceptance by others for being different or the other.

Within society, when we do not have inclusivity, acceptance, kindness, empathy, compassion, it creates a void and a gyre of divisiveness and polarity.

When you lack a perceived element within your life, it does not constitute as a weakness, it gives you strength to seek it in other aspects of your life.

My journey although it started from destruction and havoc, it led me to have inspirational mentors, teachers, friends, neighbours, and a family. My family = my Grandmother and Aunt from my paternal side, who raised me as their own, demonstrated to me endless love, stability and compassion, and taught me that no matter what you face within life, to have the courage to persevere despite the odds.

One of the elements within the legal system that fundamentally needs to change is visitation centres or the right of a parent to return when they have revoked their right and have demonstrated their lack of interest or commitment for a child. When I was seven years old, the court system forced me to reunite with my biological mother. You can just imagine, being a child, forced into a centre where you have to meet a woman that biologically by title is your mother but you have no relationship with. As you can imagine, my Aunt remained outside of the visitation centre waiting for 4 hours till I was finished just so I would feel comfortable to meet her. The windows and doors were all blocked with a privacy coating to give the visitation centre its privacy. Well, one visitation did not go well as I rejected affection from a woman that refused to stop trying to hug me, even though I asked her to stop … so I ran to the doors, pressed the button, and I escaped from the centre … ran to my Aunt … clung onto her for dear life … cried and begged her for me not to return inside or to come inside with me. I was scared and my panic level had hit its limit. The social worker who was assigned of course tried to get me back into the centre however, for the first time in my life, I screamed “do not leave me” to my Aunt which echoed all throughout the mall where the centre was located within … everyone stopped and stared as time stood still. The legal system does not consider what is truly right for a child, especially if they are surrounded by love and affection in a new home, they still grant the benefit of the doubt to the parent to come back and reconcile. After that day, my biological Mother refused to show up for the remainder of the court ordered visitations and finally decided to sign me off on my birthday … It was the first time in my life that I felt emancipation, and I did not have to live with the fear anymore of her coming back. Once a child has established a bond with a parent, having someone come in that has already left is disruptive and causes pure fear within the mind of a child for now they have to fear losing who decided to raise them. It is the one element that I hope the courts will change in the future. Leave the child where they feel safe, stable, and allow them to recover.

Children that have been abandoned are born to only recognize and know the feelings of powerlessness, worthlessness, devaluation, failure, separation, and loss. Children are not equipped to understand the complexities of how to navigate destruction, having to rebuild, to know how to process their emotions, how to recognize safety or even worse, understand love.

My Aunt and Grandmother raised me since I was six months old. They instilled with me knowledge that no matter what happened to me, that I would be loved and safe. Children once they are abandoned question why they were left, what was wrong with them, why their friends had two parents that stayed when they had none, or why they have to go through court when their friends were able to maintain their innocence.

Parents that leave children behind without a care in the world, they need to know that at some point they need to be accountable, dependable, and most importantly acknowledge that the severed relationship can not be repaired. Why? Because eventually the child will grow up into a wonderful human being, who will then learn forgiveness with time, and as they become an adult will understand that the experiences they endured do not define their worth or will not define who they will become, and most importantly will not in the slightest affect how they will be as a parent, friend, teacher, member of society, or mentor.

With great compassion, to recover from destruction and rise again, you must make peace with others decisions and understand that fundamentally the actions of others might have a complex story that we will never comprehend. We can only hope that for whatever reasons a parent or parents have to abandon their children that they may learn from their actions and heal their fragmented roots that caused them to make those decisions in the first place. It is not our journey to heal the wounds of others and it is not our place to pass judgment for the actions of others however, we learn and extract lessons that will make us rise again and slowly repair our fragmented soul.

The lessons that abandonment taught me:
1. Others actions do not define your worth, value, existence.
2. You will meet individuals within your life that will demonstrate love and compassion which emancipates the soul over time to love again.
3. You will come to a place of forgiveness where you learn that abandonment is a destructive action however, it demonstrates that when wounds are not healed or when individuals are not ready to partake in commitment or come together as a union it leads to fragmentation of the family unit and as a result the foundation is weak.
4. You become what you lack — if you lack stability you will create stability or seek it elsewhere.
5. We have no control over life experiences — this is a valuable lesson for it teaches us that we do not have the power to make someone stay, we do not have the power to make someone return, we do not have the power to change the outcome, we do not have the power to stop what is destined.
6. You learn and comprehend that those that are meant for you will remain — no matter what force it set into motion — those that are destined to care, support, and love you will always be present.
7. It is not your fault.
8. Your existence in this life has a purpose.
9. You learn that recovery from destruction is possible.
10. You learn patience, respect, and are grateful and appreciative for the lesson because with time, your fragments will heal, you will become a mentor or parent to another, you will learn from others mistakes and decide to choose a better path.

Family can come in many different forms as it does not depend on biology. What constitutes a Mother or Father is the time, dedication, stability, love, the memories created, and the experiences that formed your existence into the person that you have become. Those that spent endless hours mentoring, teaching, coaching, healing, yelling, and being present. The ones that helped you take your first steps, that helped you ride your bike, that listened to your stories of success or first heartbreak, that praised you for becoming valedictorian, or who encouraged you to keep on your path when you experienced challenges. The title of parent should not be given easily, it is earned over time from respect, time given, presence, compassion, empathy, and kindness.

Fragments of the soul over time will be put back together as you awaken, heal, develop compassion and understanding for the situation at hand, and as you begin to have your own adventures.

Abandonment is not a permanent state of mind, it is a symptom of a much deeper root of powerlessness. Abandonment causes us to feel powerless in a world where we perceive that we can control the outcome. Many individuals that have suffered from abandonment will close themselves off to the outside world not allowing love in out of fear that they will be hurt or even worse those that will love but always maintain a fear that they will be left behind for the next best thing or next conquest.

Love is then presented differently, when stable individuals begin to demonstrate, that love is developed over time, to value actions not just empty words, and they will instill in the child that they are safe, protected, and free to give love in an environment where it is conducive to it.

I am grateful for my Aunt (who I call Mom) and my Grandmother for creating a safe, nurturing environment for me to grow up in. I was able to see that love comes in different forms. Through our network of friends, neighbours, teachers, and acquaintances, I was also given the opportunity to see what stability looked like in other healthy family units, to set a precedence for me to recognize boundaries, strong foundations, and support.

No matter what form abandonment may present itself in your life, always know deep within your heart that you will recover, you will grow stronger from the experience as it teaches us to rise from destruction, you will begin to see your life as valuable and worthy and from that comes self care, self love, and most importantly respect and acceptance for yourself and others.

There is a powerful quote that states “What if = fear, even if = is faith” , evoke faith within yourself to know that no matter what challenges you may face you will always be resilient and rise above any obstacle. You are power within, and no situation will ever determine your worth for every lesson even if we fail we learn from it, forgive, and it emancipates us to have deep inner peace.

My greatest hope for my biological parents is that they have a life that is filled with love, joy, acceptance, that they have learned from their decisions and actions, and I hope that those that they raise or mentor will become strong.

Oftentimes, we blame others for our experiences when we need to have great compassion for them, and always hope that they receive the love that they never received, so that it opens their heart for profound healing, recovery, and allows their fragments to become whole again.

In this lifetime, we will embark on many experiences, make our own mistakes within life, but ultimately, we must always choose to make better decisions as a result.