HOW TO HEAL FROM ABUSE

“You can not heal in an environment that made you sick.” — Unknown

The effects of abuse are defined as an effort to misuse or harm another for an intentional wilful purpose, with the catastrophic effects of physical, psychological, verbal, emotional, spiritual, or moral harm.

Withstanding, surviving, evolving from abuse, is not to be labelled by another to categorize you, it is emancipating when you take back your power, your control, and most importantly your voice within life.

We often ask, had I approached another type of authority would more have been done? Are you to be discarded by past actions by another which you had no control over? Are you to be led to believe that your story will have no impact or that your voice should forever remain silent to make others feel more comfortable with their existence because they would rather you be silent in pain rather than speak your truth?

Abuse has no boundaries, it is not definitive, it is trauma. Abuse can happen to any individual regardless of sex, gender, religion, location, status, or even belief. As a survivor I can state that:

1. No one asked for it to occur
2. No one wanted it to occur
3. No one should discard you based on your experiences

OWN YOUR TRUTH!

It is of the highest importance to evoke discernment in regards to whom you speak your truth to, as many individuals will use your story against you, in the form of mockery, gaslighting, silencing, rejection, discarding your experiences, or most damaging, diminish your truth or existence. Those that say, “The Universe wanted this to happen,” or “The Universe observed it and karma will impose judgment,” is negligent and untrue. Abuse may have been a lesson but our existence did not call for it — it was imposed by another.

Cycles of abuse can be an effect of unresolved trauma from ones own past or past lives, but the matter at hand is we are not dealing with ambiguity, we are dealing with the here and now, the present, the destruction and full impact on what it has caused to the psyche or even worse, the destruction and aftermath of rebuilding from a cracked foundation.

The cornerstone of recovery is a trusted support network, one that enables you to voice you discontent and your experience. It is not our place to take away the right of the survivor to speak their truth or to diminish their experience by blaming the victim.

Immoral, cruel, detrimental force, or violent treatment of an individual is not only inhumane but its aim is to destroy not only the moral fabric of the existence of the individual, but to deteriorate their spirit mind, body, and soul.

The forms of abuse can be defined as maltreatment, injury, verbal, physical, assault, violation, rape and unjust forms of gaslighting, priming and aggression. Within society, it is crucial that we normalize the recovery process for all victims that endured harm.

Oftentimes, a perpetrator has formed a belief that they are above the law and they work extensively with a network of individuals that believe, feel, and enable the situation to persist. For example, a perpetrator may create a distortion of events by aligning themselves with authority to be their alibi or to allow them access to specific information to assist them in their priming techniques or plan.

Priming exposes the victim to stimulus to manipulate or influence their response to an abusive action. This technique is slow, methodical, systematic as the victim will begin to feel open to their abuser, exposing their stories or intricate life details only to be used against them. The next phase is the aggressor will ensure that the victims support unit is detached, they will create situations where they will make the victim question their relationships and their “safety” network. The third phase is the indoctrination, this phase is where the victim is led to believe that they should be dependent or reliant on their perpetrator for assistance, support (whether that be advice or safety), then finally the fourth phase the destruction of self, the erosion of self worth, self respect, self awareness and self responsibility, the erosion of boundaries. The fourth phase may begin with a simple suggestion, then lead to forms of physical or verbal coercion to “keep their victim in line.”

Moving beyond misguided information of the concept of victimization. To be blunt and to place the situation in perspective : If your boundaries were eroded, you experienced violent psychological, physical, verbal, emotional or spiritual harm, you are a victim of maltreatment and abuse. Make no mistake, this leads to the deterioration of self worth or value, when one has been exposed to a toxic environment that has eroded their perception of safety. If we do not define that as a victim then what is it? A victim is someone that has rejected abusive subsequent stimulus. A victim has experienced one or more of the following treatment in a cruel, violent, or unfair way. It is defined as a power struggle dynamic where one individual exerts their domination over another. It evokes fear for the purpose of control.

Low empathic response and narcissistic traits define one that usually partakes in the perpetrator role. Why? For control and power. Abusive individuals have to retain their victims into submission and erode their boundaries and support network to maintain dependency and coexistence. Those that engage in this type of behaviour seek those they perceive as being alone, vulnerable, and weak. The intentional behaviour is harassment, manipulative, critical, and controlling. It is a psychological defect of the human mind to feel one is superior to another or has the right to misuse or mistreat, or view them as worthless, or even worse one to be disregarded once the gain has been achieved.

Abuse is a learned patterned behaviour. It marinates within culture, families, social networks, and structural inequities. When abuse has been normalized and adopted as a normal behaviour, it creates a hostile environment of disparity and polarity. It segregates society between aggressors and victims. This destroys the fabric of unity consciousness and enables warfare minded behaviour of dominance. The goal, deterioration of the human spirit.

Signs and forms of abuse are preventing and discouraging an individual from their support network (family, friends, acquaintances), the abuser will portray a false illusion that the victim only requires their assistance at all times and when the victim starts to move out of this learn patterned behaviour the abuser will then tighten the noose and begin the deterioration process. Deterioration process will manifest and appear as insults, degrading comments, manipulation, gaslighting, shaming or provoking more aggressive torture till the victim feels defeated and stops all resistance. When one engages in coercion through emotions, physical threats or lying then the victim becomes confused due to the perpetrators ability to distort reality. Why? When you break down one’s spirit to flourish, to be strong, to have fundamental freedoms such as speech or movement, they are more easily controlled and more malleable to the abuser.

During and after the abuse the victim will express many negative emotional symptoms which are fear, panic, shame, anxiety, anger, sadness, powerlessness, despair. Once a victim begins to feel scarcity such as a lack of support network or those in authority that they can trust with the information to assist them, the victim will then begin to withdraw as a response. The recoiling process might serve at one point for recovery but the more the victim internalizes their pain it can manifest in outbursts, anger, mood swings, or emotional numbness.

This is a form of control not love. The abusers end goal is to obtain blind submission where their actions are used to coercively manipulate the reality and emotional state of their victim. At periods of time, they will use the carrot and stick approach to confuse the victim that they will change however, this only leads to more aggressive behaviour. The more the victim attempts to escape, the more the control will be exerted.

When one undermines your support network that is not love
When one undermines your self confidence that is not love
When one exerts physical, psychological, emotional, verbal harm that is not love

Abuse cannot be neutralized, it is a psychological impediment that can only be rectified by the perpetrator seeking assistance and being accountable for their psychological mistreatment. Please note, many lack remorse, empathy, and they project the pain they feel within on others to devalue their existence.

The cycle of powerlessness. When the victim feels not seen, heard, validated, taken seriously, it encapsulates the victim into despair that they can seek refuge from the destruction. The most terrifying element is often abuse is invisible to the community at large, as victims feel ashamed that they are experiencing it, or lack the knowledge to be mindfully aware that this is a form of control and not love.

Boundaries, ushering in a new strong support network, being educated and mindful of the technique of psychological abuse can enable the victim to become empowered and recovery will be within reach. To reduce confrontation do not feed the aggression. Cultivate inner peace by removing yourself from the situation at hand, disconnect all communication, do not allow triangulation of those closest to the abuser to penetrate your existence or safe zone. Stop consuming or internalizing the behaviour as how you should view yourself — you were the victim of a traumatic abusive act that sought to break you apart or destroy your spirit — learn that the techniques, words, phrases, actions were a means to control you, and do not define who you are — it illustrates in clear vision who they are. It is not your karmic duty to withstand or continue the cycle — end it.

Do not allow this situation to eclipse or obscure your reality. You are not your past. You are not impaired or inferior in quality. You are no longer deteriorated. You deserve to exist, to flourish, to be emancipated, to be strong. You are powerful with a voice. The impaired and misguided actions of another do not determine who you will become after you recover. You deserve to be in a safe, loving, and nurturing environment where you are able to maintain your integrity and to flourish.

Do not allow an abuser to attempt to sow self-doubt and confusion in your mind. Force, coercion, and distortion enables the abuser to gain power — take your power back. Manipulation, denial, lying, confusion, projection, using your life against you is control not love — it is meant to distort a victims perception and mental stability. The more unstable an abuser can make you appear, the more society will focus on you, and not the root cause, which is abuse. Their goal is deception. Using what you love against you, speaking ill about you or your support network, escalating situations by stating that you are not safe with your loved ones or home creates an illusion of uncertainty and fear and creates confusion. Once confusion sets in, the victim will feel unstable and unsettled and the abuser will be able to maintain their domination through physical, emotional, financial, psychological, or verbal means. Once again, this is not love, this is a distortion of love. Trivialization, belittlement or a complete disregard how someone else feels, is control, not love. Love does not endure pain or harm. Love is not tolerance for pain. You are not sensitive or overreacting — abuse is a red flag and a major cause for concern. Your reality of events are true, reasonable, and rational. Only you know your true experiences and recognizing the signs of all forms of abuse will liberate you from the cycle. Do not be confined like a caged animal, you are not meant to be mistreated.

The mistreatment that you endured was projection of their negative attributes, faults, and actions. You are not mentally ill, crazy, seeking attention or weak — this situation was brought into your existence to allow you to be aware of the distortions of love and care. Educate yourself, seek support, do not engage, establish firm boundaries, and most of all trust your intuition and instincts — if it feels wrong, it is not in alignment for you. Be mindful that those that cause extreme harm have a disorder and are psychopathic in nature. Those that intentionally cause harm to others will seek new victims when you do not illicit the response they are seeking — be aware that this trajectory will carry on regardless of time — the abuser will never seek help as they see no fault in their actions. Abusers do not comprehend or understand that love equates to emancipation, they only see deterioration and catastrophic responses as their means of control. They lack empathy and the ability to be self aware of their actions. This is not your battle to fight — remove yourself. You cannot kiss a beast and expect it to turn into a prince or princess.

Do not wait for an apology as it will never come because seldomly do abusers take responsibility and accountability for their actions — they are only consistent with the destruction they cause, from their own wounds within. Gaslighters and abusers will constantly cause their victims to question their reality of the situation at hand, or convince you that the outcome was not how you experienced it. If you keep engaging in this cycle, you are enabling and allowing more control to prevail. End it. Do not listen and do not engage. You are not the problem, you are a victim, and one day you will be a survivor with a new awakened empowered voice to help others see their worth and support their recovery process. Do not allow anyone to escalate your life to the form of fear — that is control, not love. Remember — this experience was a form of unequal power relationship with no respect, accountability, or freedom — you can not build a life on a deteriorated foundation. The relationship represented one of structural inequality which led to discriminatory and abusive practices which resulted in harm.

I once was told to stay silent about matters that harmed me, to make others comfortable with their existence. When you neutralize your experiences of inner pain for the periphery consciousness of societies idea to “keep silent” or to “not impose your experience as people will not help you” it creates a situation where a victim will feel that there are no support networks to help.

False support networks that give the illusion of support, maintain their bubble of comfortable complacency, or foster an environment of judgment, which is harmful to the victim. Why? False support networks make your situation about them, and less about the experience that you endured.

Being a victim does not constitute failure, it represents being a survivor. Those that stand by you and enable your recovery, will help you regain your inner peace and safety. Be a voice to help another — harness your inner power and strength to be a powerful advocate and voice. Remember — you are not the problem, you recognize the problem. Being mindful and educated about your trauma will emancipate you during your recovery.

Healthy environments promote community, love, respect, acceptance, care, support, patience, understanding, boundaries, trust and honesty. It promotes nurturing of the heart, mind, and soul, and without question enables you to feel freedom. It fosters safety, happiness, and enhances conflict resolution in healthy forms where you are able to listen, communicate, and share. It is one that fosters teamwork, emotional harmony and balance, partnership and equality. There will always be a shared purpose, goal or vision which creates a strong foundational network that enables respect which represents love.