I AM A SURVIVOR

Perpetrators come in many forms and use various calculated abusive methods to control and exert their power over victims therefore, abuse is cyclical in nature but does not take a linear route to heal. Healing involves community and understanding that support is needed on all levels i.e. Family , friends, professionals, volunteers, and community engagement.

Giving survivors their voice enhances their power to recover, and it enables them to reclaim their sovereignty. Victims often suffer in silence but when they awaken to their power to reclaim their life, it is a powerful moment. May my story of recovery empower those who feel dismantled, broken, or are embarking on their recovery trajectory .

“You wanted this.”

“No one will believe you.”

“It is for your own good.”

The escalation of priming can range from degradation, control, erosion of self, dismantling of support networks, paradox of carrot and stick approach, terrorism, violation, and inflicting fear in their victims. Within this article, I will delve into the complexities of sexual misconduct, abuse, and a near attempt to break my spirit.

More than a decade ago, after my fiancé had passed away, I was diagnosed with an extreme rare case of immune system malfunction, where my body rejected or perceived food as a threat, and as a result my neck would develop inflammation from the inside within seconds, resulting in my family members having to rush me to the emergency room. Seeking several medical opinions, there was an inconclusive question of why it was occurring. Finally, after 10 visits to the hospital, an emergency room doctor took a firm proactive approach, ran several tests, and concluded it was chronic inflammation and a narrowing of the esophagus. While seeking council from medical specialists from nutritionists, cardiologists, immunologists, gastroenterologists, allergists, pulmonologists, to rheumatologists, I decided to seek assistance from spiritual leaders within the community which enabled me to examine what was the root spiritual cause of these issues. Along my spiritual journey, I had a few that restored me back to health and aligned me on my path. What was the spiritual message? “What can you not swallow about life?” Suddenly, I was able to start the internal examination of where I stood with my self care, self respect, authority, safety, and autonomy over my own existence, and what I had allowed within my existence perpetrated by others. Over time, the medical condition still persisted which resulted in my Mother asking friends, neighbours, strangers, doctors, and clients if they were aware of anyone that specialized in this further? Unfortunately, within a panic of fear, she trusted a woman who was a loyal devotee of my future perpetrator who enthusiastically stated “I know a spiritual leader that would be able to restore your daughter’s health — he takes a non linear approach and works out of his apartment for comfort.” With blind trust for what this woman said, my Mother instructed me to drop my current reiki practitioner because she was not helping, and suggested that I visit this new individual.

Upon meeting this individual, there was an aura and energy of instant dislike and mistrust for him. He was abrupt, rude, abrasive, and contradictory. “You do not trust me because I represent a father figure, and I am a man, which I feel is the root of all your issues — you just do not trust, do you understand? Do not listen within — it will misguide you.” Not correct — within my life, I formed trusted, secure, and loyal friendships with paternal figures within society and my social network that demonstrated safety, honesty, trust, and compassion. However, unconsciously, I questioned my own judgment over time as he continuously made cases how men should not be trusted and how I had a trusting naive nature, “Could he be right?” …. In hindsight — no! My inner radar was setting the alarms off in my head. During our first encounter he assured me that it would take a few sessions to delve into what was causing the issues as he mentioned we need to peel the onion to get to the core root. Little did I know, this step would become my nightmare as this individual was sent into my life to erode my confidence, metaphysically peel my layers of trust and security, and teach me the fundamental lesson about not giving away my power and to learn, recognize and comprehend how important discernment is for our human existence.

Within the three years I was under his care, I was sexually abused within his bedroom and massage room, administered food and drinks which resulted in me feeling numb, calmer, which resulted in trips to the hospital due to unknown pains around my appendix, ovaries, and sacred parts. Once the trust eroded, threats, priming, disassociation with life, internal emotional pain, stagnation, physical / mental / emotional / verbal / financial abuse, and even worse, a sense of powerlessness succumbed me — I was paralyzed.

My perpetrator’s distortion of reality — He constructed a lie that he was being “Stalked” by his “Older — neighbour — female — widow — friend”, who was as he claimed “Extremely obsessed with him”, and “Would not leave him in peace.” He stated that she was “Dangerous,” “A client that was not getting better,” “Always showing up at his apartment uninvited”, “Wanting to date, and eventually get married to him, with a white house,” “Texting and phoning him non stop,” “Getting into physical altercations with him in his apartment,” “Spying on him,” “Controlling his every movement,” “Getting close to his parents and now his daughter who does not like her,” and that he was “Seeking council from clients and friends as to how to escape from her,” when he “Had enough money.” I felt scared for him at the beginning, as he told me that he was in a “Dangerous situation,” and he further went on to tell me, “She wants to know everything about you, she does this with every client, if she talks to you, do not trust her, avoid her, and ignore her.” Truth revealed — He lied about his entire life. This woman was a high ranking professional, who did not live in his apartment but adjacent to it, was supporting his business in all aspects as a silent investor, she promoted his business to everyone within reach, as he was healing her, healing members of her family and close friends. The woman was funding his entire existence from lifestyle, raising his child along with her own as by his request, paying for his child’s tuition, paying for his food / clothing / vehicle / and apartment where he “treated” clients. It was later disclosed to me, that supposedly he was a man that experienced severe abuse from his previous marriages, had severe relations with his siblings, was married once where he abandoned his child and wife, ran away from his long time partner (second marriage), to become homeless, and then rescued by this woman who enabled him to have a second chance at life. My main questions that always remained in my mind about her were, “Why did she try to get close to me?,” “Was she intentionally profiting from the distress he was causing to others?,” “Did he harm her younger children or even worse his daughter?.” Near the end, she verbally threatened my Mother and myself to scare us at his request, relocated her children out of the country and remained there for a while with him, temporarily left behind my perpetrators ill child that was mysteriously getting sick under both of their care — alone. Why did they both do this? One will never know. After I was under another’s care during my recovery, her cousin — that was my Mother’s old client that recommended him in the first place, tried with her husband to reconcile with my Mother and myself, asking, “How I was?,” “What happened?,” “Did you know he extorted money from both of us?,” “We will be seeing him less,” “Not to drag their name into it,” “That I was in danger,” “That her cousin was always mentally ill, abusing her position and those around her” and that “He changed once she got closer to him and his daughter.” With mistrust, we did not accept their apology as I was skeptical … I was suffering from PTSD — No amount of words could account for the torture one had to endure under his care.

Priming begins with entrusting an individual that you feel has superior abilities or knowledge to actively help, cure, or creates an illusionary atmosphere of safety. Priming then starts with gaining the victims trust, asking several questions about their lifestyle, friends and family network, gaining any information that can be used against them. It then leads to control, “What are you wearing,” “Express yourself like this,” “Do not go near these individuals,” “Do not tell your family,” “Schedule appointments later in the day so I can drive you home,” “Lets start with one appointment a month,” “Lets begin with 2 appointments a month, “Let me schedule you every week,” “Tell your Mom to stop driving you and come on the train and subway,” “Gain independence from your family,” “Quit your current job,” “Don’t travel,” “Do not trust police,” “Wear clothing like this, not that,” “Become part of “our” family,” to “You can not escape.” My perpetrator regularly stated “You can come to me with anything,” “Give me your phone,” or abruptly taking my phone away from me to a) encourage “technological detox” or would take it without my knowledge — gaslighting me that he did not know where it was, to “Give me all of your passwords to your e-mail accounts, so I can help you tell your friends to lightly give you space.” The most severe infraction was he was creating a false illusion and construct that I was in perpetual danger and that I should fear every element of my life. It then escalates to light touching, hugging, “Let me try this …”, “Stand against the wall and allow me to walk close to you — we will see if you have any residual hesitation for intimacy”, “Oh you are sore? Let me massage that,” to escalating to “Take off your clothes” … and more.

My perpetrator controlled nearly every aspect of my existence. The problem was, I enabled him to take away my voice, power, and I felt as I was on autopilot. There were times when he would tell me “No one will believe you,” “Look who I am dating, she will use every method to discredit you because I control her,” and “I only take on women because men do not understand me,” and “You wanted this, you deserve this, you deserve to be punished.” The worst comment was “If I did not return, he would harm my family or knew a network of individuals that would cause harm to those I loved.” For many years I questioned, “Why did I not leave?” … fear. When you enable your oppressor to become a force beyond yourself or authority, you place and characterize them into an omnipotent position of dominance and control. Abuse is not the natural state of our existence, it is brutal force to compel those that they perceive as weak into subordination to align with their motives, plan, or cohesive goals. Perpetrators lack empathy, accountability for their actions, and have no remorse for the damage and destruction they cause. As a society, we must examine the root of what fosters and creates these individuals rather than questioning the victim as to “Why did you stay?.” Logically, rationally, and proactively there needs to be a firm examination of what are the fundamental core roots that enable those who seek domination to feel they are above authority of the law.

Why am I writing this? After years of recovery in silence with the assistance from the legal realm and abuse and trauma recovery specialists, I learned from these professionals how to recover, awareness, education, and how to establish a safe nurturing environment— within my healing recovery I discovered that I was a victim of priming. The psychological, ethical, and moral implications of this form of violation can cause one to question their existence, their worth, their value, and recovery. Priming is a form of psychological violation and manipulation to lure the victim into subordination, till you effectively break the spirit to allow incremental abuse, violation, degradation, rejection then acceptance, sexual violence or misconduct, and to have the end goal of being a broken shell of yourself that is malleable for their pleasure or means.

Once I had become aware that my perpetrator was impersonating me by sending e-mails and text messages to my family, friends, and himself I began to feel helpless and trapped — He even refused to give me my phone back insisting that he buy me a phone that only could reach him. He then proceeded to create an illusion of a distorted reality of safety, asking for financial assistance from myself to seek a new home, and after a certain amount of time was suggesting that I “Date one of his clients,” and further added, “But you will still permit me to touch you as I please.” I decided to reveal to those closest to me my experience. Near the end, I was terrified of my perpetrator from all of his threats, I could not mitigate the impact of the abuse, and I was becoming broken— once you are in the gyre of sexual abuse — your whole perception on life shifts and you truly do not recognize yourself — you are no longer the strong, confident, courageous woman, you become paralyzed in fear.

After having several medical issues with my body as a response, feeling numb and broken, and weighing 100 pounds with my body giving out due to all the stress and abuse, I ended up in the hospital again, which was my wake up call that I needed to get assistance to recover. During my recovery, I reported my experience and was finally in an environment where I could heal my internal and physical wounds. I was not mentally or physically stable to withstand trial and was encouraged to recover and move forward as many individuals that experience rape have a high risk of suicide after they confront their perpetrator. Along my journey, I was under the care of specialists that enabled me to foster growth, evolve, and gain my strength back and examine the core roots of why I may have allowed this to infiltrate within my existence and most importantly learn inner peace, self forgiveness, and the ability to vocalize my experience to help others. No one deserves to be perpetrated, abused, silenced, degraded, violated, sacrificed, broken, demoralized, or to question their worth or existence. I learned that I am no longer a victim but a survivor. He might have broken me sexually but he does not have my power.

I understand the importance of recovery from destruction. My recovery fostered within me strength and resilience when I learned the importance of forgiveness, and that my self-worth and value was not diminished by the acts of another. It is fundamental for a survivor to learn that we are not our circumstances, and that we can overcome all challenges within our life. I believe when we work together as a community we can transcend trauma.

As a survivor, I understand the complexities of recovery, and I want to help others.

When we face our fears and challenges we become resilient. Violence at any level is significant and impactful as it causes fragmentation. It is essential that support is administered to victims who have experienced any traumatic event. Victim safety, wellbeing and recovery are essential in the rehabilitation process. To give survivors a voice in a safe environment helps rehabilitate and stabilize their equilibrium and mind. When one is dedicated to learning structured recovery and safety methods, courageous and flexible to delve into stressful situations that caused deterioration, and within time accept insight, enables one to regain their strength and balance.

It is paramount that a community comes together to help survivors overcome challenges. By helping survivors extract only the lessons and wisdom it will help them transcend the pain and injury and foster forgiveness to take their power back. Most importantly, any victim of trauma needs to learn to trust themselves again. Giving back to the community and assisting those in need enhances the comprehension of the multifaceted nature of trauma recovery, and the wisdom assists in learning how to help individuals in critical emergency situations. Unity consciousness helps the victim recover faster by acknowledging that they are not alone, free to express themselves in a safe environment, and have access to support networks with resources. Having a network that is strong, discrete and that provides the victim advocacy during their transition to safety and healing is paramount because we are stronger together than we could ever be apart.

Self forgiveness and forgiveness of others liberates. It is important that survivors understand that there is more light than darkness in the world. Survivors need to comprehend that their self worth is not dependant on what happened to them in the past and that recovery is possible. You are the light.

As a survivor, I comprehend and understand the complexities of the healing process, and I hope to be a representation for others that recovery is possible for anyone that experiences the devastating impact of sexual abuse.