THE NATURE OF ABANDONMENT

On the first week of December, I attended a conference where I sat on an academic panel with leading medical experts, and leaders within the empowerment realm, who extensively study, research, and examine the complex abnormal nature of abandonment. Within my lecture, I candidly spoke about the role that acute exposure to abandonment manifests on a survivor, from my personal unfiltered lived truth, perspective, and lived experience. I would like to share my direct lived experience to help heal the soul’s of others who have experienced the pain of loss, deprivation, negligence, and powerlessness. I can only represent the view of having lost both biological parents, not through death, but through their conscious will of abandoning me collectively, at the age of six months. My status as an orphan resulted from abandonment, which became a defining moment that shaped my understanding of trauma, loss, and the recovery process. Within my work, I advocate for personal empowerment and emancipation from destruction, by moving beyond narrative truths imposed by others. One must define their life on their own terms rather than remaining subjected to injustice, intolerance, or the act of dismantling one’s core foundational truths or identity. Within the state of abandonment one must rise beyond the state of permanent victimhood, and transformatively view it as a catalyst for one’s spiritual mission, growth, and purpose. Deprivation is a destructive act, however, it ultimately provides one with the profound understanding of the recovery process. One is not defined by their circumstances or past traumatic events. I often advocate for emancipation from others’ narratives, which astutely and fundamentally instructs and teaches all that one’s worth and value are not diminished by the act of alienation, isolation, abandonment, or severe forms of neglectful punishment. My divine purpose results from my direct experience with abandonment, as I help others rebuild after devastating life events. The internal pain one encounters, confronts, or introspectively examines within, is an instrumental teacher that fosters continued introspective wisdom, perseverance, resilience, and strength. Despite the act of becoming an orphan, I would like to express my deepest gratitude for being raised by my paternal Aunt and Grandmother, who provided me empathetic compassionate unconditional love and stability that I internally needed to overcome my traumatic start. My philosophical approach is based on proactive resilience, as one must consciously choose a better path rather than stagnating in loss, despair, and grief. If one lacks stability, they have the power to create it for themselves, as we become what we lack. Within my practice, I advocate for peace, empowerment, and personal emancipation which is rooted in the belief that individuals must transcend the narratives or confines of their past and external perceptions to reclaim their inner power, peace, and sovereignty. The negative narrative truths or conceptions imposed by another or others, are merely internal dialogues of those individuals, and do not reflect one’s actual worth or value. One is not born from sin, and within life, is deserving of unconditional love, support, and compassionate care. The core principles of my emancipation philosophy honours the role and the act of transcending the past. Survivors must not give power to the historical lessons of abandonment, injustice, or betrayal. Instead, once an individual ignites inner hope and ambition, they become unstoppable and unconstrained by their past narratives. One must define their internal truth and not allow another to define their existence. An individual’s worth is not diminished by the acts of others, or by catastrophic events that might destroy one’s foundational sense of self. Personal truth is something that must be awakened from within, rather than sought through external confirmation. Emancipation, liberty, and freedom are achieved through the act of release. Salvation is achieved and derived from forgiveness. By letting go of what can no longer be controlled, one can then acutely achieve a state of autonomous sovereignty and internal peace. I am not ashamed of my past, as its act of turbulence and turmoil enabled my soul to restore its fragments within time. Through the process of destruction, one is reawakened to their purpose. One must move beyond the ingrained misguided direction from society, such as the ideological construct that a fragmented soul is broken beyond repair, and cease to subscribe to the narrative or belief, that one will forever remain within a state of sacrifice, powerlessness, loss, or constant fear. One must view their scars as opportunities for growth, expansion, and light. As one honours their light within, they achieve self-mastery over the force of reaction. My methodology involves shifting from a reactive state which is primarily driven by the ego and past programs to a conscious ascended state of choice, where individuals take full accountability and responsibility for their own emotional existence. Abandonment, while initially destructive to one’s foundational sense of self, acts as a catalyst which enables one to achieve profound internal peace and self-respect through the pursuit of autonomous sovereignty and emancipation. One must achieve peace through transformative transcendence. Abandonment forces one to understand the nature of negligence, deprivation, by examining the force of control and destruction. One has to question, what does freedom mean to them? How does respect unfold within the state of freedom? One cannot truly comprehend peace without first understanding the terrors of great destruction and devastation. Abandonment provides this stark contrast, allowing an individual to eventually recognize peace as their natural state once they choose to disconnect from destruction. Forgiveness is a source of liberation. Internal peace is attained through forgiveness, which is a conscious level decision to stop giving power to the lessons of abandonment. This forgiveness affords the survivor liberation and autonomous sovereignty. One must understand the nature of release and control. Letting go of the need to control the past or disabling the need to absorb others’ perceptions enables the restoration of peace within. By dropping negative emotions and lifting the cataracts off of the mind, individuals then allow life to unfold naturally, which restores their inner balance and peace. Reclaiming self-respect and freedom enables a survivor to experience and attain peace and sovereign will through the establishment of boundaries, rising from their embedded scars, recognition of their self-worth, and emancipation from the narratives which confined their existence. Projections are not ultimate truths, therefore, one must restore their sense of self beyond the actions of another. Recognition of worth is achieved through self-love, self-acceptance, and self-respect. Self-respect grows from the realization that one’s life is inherently valuable and worthy despite the experience of being left behind. This inner work creates a foundation for self-love that is not contingent on external validation. Emancipation from narratives eclipses the power of conditioning programs, repetitive approaches, internal perceptions, presumptions, and projections of misconceptions, falsifications, or illusions. Freedom is achieved by moving beyond the narrative of the past and identifies the influence from external sources such as the negative dialogues of others. Survivors must separate from those who hinder their recovery to maintain their empowered state of happiness. One must seek to preserve and protect their inner peace. Establishing boundaries is the ultimate form of self-respect. Self-respect is reinforced by evoking discernment and boundaries, defining exactly what one will no longer partake in, while remaining in their true power of the present. Rising from one’s embedded scars enables recovery, expansiveness, and enlightenment. Rather than seeing abandonment as a flaw, one must view their scars as tiger stripes. Our soul core wounds, sacred core roots, and embedded scars, all provide an opportunity to allow light to enter within and grants the opportunity for the true authentic self to rise again. With forgiveness and compassion, I have reached a place of peace regarding my biological parents. It is my greatest hope that their lives are filled with love and joy, as their only mission was to bring me into this world, and their conscious decision to leave, was part of their own path and trajectory. Although my story is one of many, as abandonment, deprivation, neglect, and abuse are universal, my soul needs to bring awareness to these internal truths, as abandonment has become one of the leading epidemics of our time which instills mistrust, a sense of powerlessness, and internal fear within its victims.

Transcript of my speech in December 2025 :

“I am an orphan of abandonment. I have witnessed my biological Father and Mother taking up new families, while I was left behind. Within my conscious existence, I was sadly not a priority, maintained as a secret by those who had abandoned me, as I represented to them, an error within their past. In their attempts at redemption, for the countless harmful acts they conducted, I remained within the stillness of silence, as their inaction became my ultimate truth, rather than believing in their empty words. I often had to bear the weight of ridicule for circumstances I was not responsible for, create excuses for their absence, neglect, or hate, and had to actively live out the repercussions of their acts of irresponsible carelessness, as I was never seen as whole, but rather less than or broken, to my other counterparts. I was defined as a burden, a mistake, and utilized by my biological parents as a bargaining chip, to cause further suffering to my adoptive parents, who endlessly fought to protect me from further harm. It takes great strength to watch your hero, meaning a Father figure, demonstrate that you are their greatest source of discontent or contempt, as he repeatedly demonstrated and vocalized to me, that my presence was meaningless. The act of abandonment then became a primary lesson that I should expect loss to be a constant, to be used, or to get used to being cast aside or not seen as worthy in the eyes of another. Abandonment remains with you as a truth rather than a definition or construct, due to its clandestine nature. When the high-intensity nature of the fractured relationship ultimately ends, beyond confusion, distortions, false promises, lies, or modes of betrayal, one is left with systemic traumatic loss. To internalize that their life means nothing to another, or to rationally acknowledge that their presence is meaningless, one then has to confront and recognize the nature of control rather than love, as unfulfilled unmet expectations of love no matter their attempts are ever received. When love is used as a bargaining chip for control, one then remains at the mercy of another with callous and careless intent. Betrayal and abandonment often leave their victims feeling the stark reality or realization that those sacred promises, agreements, or expectations will forever remain unfulfilled. Grief and withdrawal often causes intense longing and depression similar to breaking an addiction due to the sudden loss. In some cases, one that has become the target of ridicule, scorn, or abandonment will often feel anger, resentment, despair, shame, and inadequacy as they may experience a painful sense of rejection, and wonder, why they were not chosen, good enough, or of value to be taken seriously, or loved? The moment one places their worth in the hands of another, is the moment, one ultimately loses their right to their sovereignty inner power, peace, and self-respect. Seeing the perpetrators of abandonment reconcile with other family members, children from other marriages, or take on an active role as a caregiver to another while remaining silent in their sense of responsibility or duty to the past can often feel as though it is a second betrayal. These types of perpetrators often entrap their victims into feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame, as they are admonished for lashing out at their absence, or for the circumstances they projected, as victims are often told they have “no right to attach themselves to them, as they were not wanted in the first place,” or seen as a stain in their historical trajectory. While some feel relief that the secrecy is over, the truth inevitably surfaces, as their oppressors actions often are revealed. Orphans experience crushing guilt for their role, as they are blamed as the root cause for the absence, or are perceived as selfish for wanting a chance to reconcile or be part of another’s life, where they have clearly indicated there was “no room for them in the first place,” compounded by the social stigma of being labelled as the “unwanted child,” or “unwanted orphan.” Orphans often have to contend with societal interpretations or judgements, as their value diminishes, as many perceive within society that the result of the loss was somehow the victim’s fault. How can you blame a baby? How can a baby manifest loss? An abandoned child will often blame themselves for something they may have unintentionally did. Many within society will view these acts of abandonment as a blemish on their suitability to wed into another union where the family unit was seen as sacred, whole, or unfractured. The psychological, mental, emotional, and physical impact of abandonment is nothing less than terrible and dire for its victims, as there is no sense of peace, certainty, structure, safety, or stability.Fragmentation causes immense loss of worth, value, and identity. The relationship which was fractured often remains the primary focus, and can often leave a soul restless, questioning their own worth, values, and perceptions of the world. If the act of rejection is final, the question of who they are outside of the role of unconditional love resides. When one is told they are a “mistake,” “not worthy of existence,” or are subjected to secrecy, as their existence is denied or hidden, as their abandoner does not want to acknowledge their presence or existence, we should then ask, how can one allocate infinite power to their oppressor to have such a say in their life? How can they allow another to hold such power? Does biology give the right to destroy one’s own kin? We often accept the relationships we feel we deserve, therefore, if one does not heal this sacred core root, they will forever remain imprisoned to the subjection of their oppressors ultimate scorn or will. Low-self esteem often results from being hidden, and then the ultimate act of rejection, severely damage the victim’s sense of stabilization, security, faith, trust, and self-worth. When one is fractured, they remain untouchable and shattered. When one is alienated, experiences acute isolation, or is subjected to substandard unethical or immoral behaviour, one can not often turn to family or close friends for support as they may side with the oppressor, and due to the secret nature of the tarnished relationship, it leads to further loneliness and a cycle of despair as one can not trust or form stable intimate relationships out of concern that they will ultimately end without cause or reason. Cynicism may override rationality, as this experience produces, and often leaves long-term scars, including deep-seated trust issues and a cynical outlook on future relationships, as one’s reality is then subjected to presumptions, perceptions, conditioned programmed beliefs or values cascaded or projected by the perpetrators design. Projections are not ultimate truths. Often the one that is left within the wake of despair, is then responsible for picking up the chards of their remaining pieces, forced to glue them back together into wholeness. One that experiences alienation, acute deprivation from negligence, and loss, will experience denial, shock, shame, guilt for longing or yearning for a love that will never be felt, seen, touched, honoured, or fulfilled, until they ultimate reach the stage of acceptance of self, which provides internal security, stability, clarity, structure, rationality, realization, and clarity for their painful periods of destruction. Many seek to uncover the “why.” Silence often becomes a weapon of control as the abuser will mute their grief through the act of indifference, absence, and rejection of a responsive respectable peaceful resolution. Confusing asynchronous behaviours are signs of a lack of commitment, as one does not abide by their word, fails to honour their commitments or agreements, and carelessly denies responsibility for their actions. Resentment and self-blame ensues, as one questions their moral judgement, or feels a sense of foolish regret, for believing in the promise of the union. Within time through the course of metamorphic catharsis and infinite introspective healing, one then reaches a state of acceptance, where one achieves stabilization through the process of balancing truth with fiction, and gradually recognizing that their relationship’s outcome was beyond their control. Equilibrium is granted when one consciously and actively rebuilds their life from truth rather than remaining in the residual entrapment of illusionary false promises or idealization of a future that will never be attained. Feelings of inadequacy, a deep sense of loss, and a fractured identity ensues as one recognizes that their family unit functions in a state of unnatural intensity that collapsed due to its unsteady foundation. One cannot build on scorched earth or meaningless promises. One may ruminate on why an alternative life is more valuable than a future with the abandoned, leading to crushing self-doubt and feelings of not being good enough. To remain as a secret or burden causes social devaluation. Being the abandoned often involves being hidden in the shadows. This lack of public legitimacy and the subsequent social stigma can cause a child or the forgotten to feel unworthy of an open committed relationship. Withdrawal and loss causes a period of intense longing, anxiety, and depression as one adjusts to the sudden loss. Loss causes disenfranchised grief because the relationship was secret, or is seen as atypical, where one cannot openly mourn its end due to the nature of stigmatization. This isolation or sense of powerlessnesses emerges from the lack of support from one’s trusted support network as judgement, blame, ridicule, or shame will be placed on the victim for circumstances beyond their control, due to indifference, apathy, lack of understanding, the nature of injustice, or the lack of empathetic compassionate care. The state of deprivation causes immense emotional weight, where loss feels and resonates much heavier, as it becomes a scar, a burden, or is the core root of fracturization. One must not intertwine their self-worth with the experience or circumstance. One’s sense of self or identity may have become entirely defined by the needs of the perpetrator. To remain within a relationship or to be forced to maintain a clandestine connection is a severe form of punishment or imprisonment. When the parental figure leaves, the role that defined the victim’s life for months or years vanishes, leaving an overwhelming void and yearning for truth or intangible unattainable love that will never be delivered or given. Often society will examine the symptomatic responses by the abandoned, and define them as irresponsible or abnormal, as one is not viewed as grounded, rational, or optimistic due to the nature of the loss. The abandoned is often left with a pile of existential questions, where their values and perceptions on life now have to become examined. Fracturization causes misalignment and falsifications to emerge as one must wrestle with what is, and not remain in the state of what ifs. One cannot base their life on the figurative, the imaginative, or the performed artificial version of the optimal result, when the act demonstrates otherwise. Years waiting for promises of a future together to be fulfilled will remain unfulfilled and unmet as the loss is certain, final, and definite. When one chooses another, those envisioned futures and the version of themselves that existed within them, die instantly as one’s identity is lost as that version no longer is evident any further. Severe loss causes disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief is a specific type of mourning that occurs when a person’s loss is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly supported and it manifests as a silent sorrow. Clandestine relationships that are devoid of emotion or unconditional love, often are socially unsanctioned, as they are not valuing the sanctity of a nuclear vision. Often the abandoned learns to operate outside of the margins of existence due to the intensity of alienation brought about by others, or shaming which leads to isolation and ostracization. When one is defined as a “mistake,” “burden,” or “not deserving of existence” there is a lack of recognition for their presence within society. Society typically does not grant the abandoned the right to grieve because the relationship is viewed as illegitimate, unethical, unjust, asynchronous, unconventional, or immoral. Unlike a loved child who is supported receives public sympathy, the abandoned orphan’s loss is often dismissed or minimized by others as unimportant, a mistake, or a grave misfortune which should be hidden from others. Abandonment and neglect causes stigma and shame. Those that are seen as untouchable or stained carry an immense heavy social baggage which leads to intense internalized shame, causing the abandoned to hide, compartmentalize their thoughts, or conceal their light, because the pain is too insufferable avoid or ignore. Often society will unfairly place moral judgment or ostracization on those who are seen as unconventional or abnormal due to fear it could cascade or influence their own lives. Silent pain causes hidden sorrow. Abandonment causes relational invisibility. Because the relationship existed only in secrecy or was not seen as sustainable or maintainable due to the scorn or act of will by another to depart, there are no conventional approaches to process the reality of the loss. Those who are abandoned are often explicitly excluded from mourning events if the parent or external family members dies, or if one or both biological parent or parents chooses to solidify their union with another secondary replacement family. Within my case, when my maternal Grandmother passed, I was excluded from the obituary or within the case of my paternal Grandmother’s death, my Father, although he was consciously aware of her palliative state consciously chose to care and divert his attention to his partner’s Mother rather than honouring the responsibility or duties towards his own blood therefore, the redefinition of family then becomes subject to discussion as it now means, who is constant, active, and present. Complicated grief is often experienced when the grief is suppressed and invalidated by society or external family members, where the victim then has to remain stuck within the period of time due to confusion, loss, and deprivation. The constant need to hide intense emotions can lead to chronic mental strain as society expects the blemished abandoned orphan to inevitably fail in their future endeavours. Low-self esteem emerges as the abandoned is often told that their feelings are inappropriate or that do not deserve the right to grieve or mourn the loss from an unconventional family. Loss inevitably erodes trust and one’s sense of worth as peace is transactional and limited in one’s reality. Acknowledging the grief as valid is the first step towards recovery and acceptance as another does not define one’s infinite truth. Orphans are often ignored, ridiculed by judgement, dismissed, minimized, or diminished by false hope and false promises that will never be honoured, acquired, or met. Those who experience abandonment are frequently dismissed and minimized through a cycle of false hope and unmet promises, a psychological dynamic often referred to as “future-faking”. This behaviour involves making grand claims about a shared future to control and maintain the relationship in the present, even when there is no intention of follow-through. Manipulation occurs through the use of false promises to gain emotional access without providing real commitment which dismantles fact from fiction. To remain within the illusionary state of false promises is to have no faith in the future of unconditional love. Dismissed needs are evident when one attempts to address their own needs or the lack of progress, one is often minimized with excuses like “now isn’t the right time,” “you are ruining my new life, go away,” “I have a new family now and you do not fit into that vision,” “there is not enough space for you in my life,” “you are the result of another affair,” “you just need to be patient,” or in the worst case, “you are a burden and you do not deserve to exist because you were a mistake.” Unaquired or unattainable love causes psychological scars through the erosion of self-worth. Consistently being on the receiving end of empty promises leads to deep self-doubts or feelings of inadequacy. When one’s own value is tied to their compliance or ability to wait without making demands, one then remains within the entrapment of control rather than unconditional love. Emotional instability is then brought to the surface due to the nature of uncertainty. One patiently waits within the sequence of stillness of whether promises will be kept. Residing within a state of hypervigilance and chronic anxiety, leaves the victim in a powerless state of fear as they live on edge trying to predict their biological parents shifting behaviours. Abandonment causes trauma and distortion. Long-term exposure to false hope is a form of emotional abuse as it can distort a person’s sense of what is “normal” in a relationship, making it difficult to trust others or maintain a healthy sense of self in the future. It is evident that those who engage in abandonment want to preserve their right to access without the intent to change because they want to retain their imbalance of power dynamics or access without the commitment of remaining present due to their emotional immaturity and unethical nature. Some perpetrators seek convenience and discomfort over responsibility or reliability. Within these dynamics, the orphan serves a s a mirror for the biological parent or parents to explore suppressed versions of themselves. Once the novelty of that identity fades, the promises made to maintain it are often abandoned. Beyond the state of fracturization, it is essential that the abandoned restores their identity and ceases to idealize a distorted truth or narrative that the nature of the tarnished relationship which forever remains absent will ever be fully repaired. Salvation is achieved through the act of compassionate forgiveness, where one rises beyond the forms of destruction, to forge their own pathways rather than remaining within the residual energetic entanglement of what can never be. One is not forever fractured as our chards enable intense discernment, where the soul deciphers, confronts, and delves into the deepest depths of compartmentalized truths, to unveil our authentic nature in its rawest unfiltered form. Confronting how identity is lost temporarily, and redefining if abandonment equates to ultimate freedom, one then evaluates the significance of abandonment’s destructive path. By confronting the adopted narrative of defining the abandoned as unessential, untouchable, undeserving, or unwanted, one then examines how words condone further behaviour. Abandonment forces one to confront their experience, and what defines the narratives which contributes to indifference, apathy, intolerance, injustice, systematic exclusion, dehumanization, and rigid hereditary restrictions. Forced isolation or segregation enforces social invisibility where one is seen as the other. Exclusion counters the powerful force of unity consciousness and the power of unconditional love. Internalizing a status of inferiority or being casted as undesirable leads to widespread anxiety, low self-esteem, and a sense of powerlessness. Those who have endured abandonment should not be held responsible for the acts of another as it fuels discrimination, misconceptions, and falsifications about the nature of the act. By speaking about its context in its rawest form, one can discern, decipher, and address the core root causes of its nature beyond the presumptions or assumptions of its symptomatic signs or attributes. Systemic bias causes extreme vulnerability. Acute attention needs to be placed on those who engage in the acts which cause severe or acute deprivation as it fosters a cyclical nature of irresponsibility and carelessness as it causes psychological and systemic Impact. Abandonment is not merely an emotional event but a systematic, multi-layered exclusion from the social, legal, and spiritual fabric of society. Many survivors of this form of atypical abnormal abuse are forced into self-exclusion or social withdrawal to avoid the persistent stigma of their background, leading to profound loneliness and isolation. Internalized stigma, decades of being treated as an abnormality or subhuman leads to learned helplessness. Many individuals internalize the belief that they are fundamentally unworthy, causing a loss of projected self-efficacy. Disenfranchised grief becomes one of the core issues which requires resolution because an orphan’s suffering is often minimized or normalized by dominant society due to lack of education, mitigation of support, or bias placed on those that seek to offer support as they are seen as less worthy because they are not the biological parent. Validating feelings of hurt, sadness, and anger instead of pushing them aside, honours the reality of the pain rather than condoning silence. Promoting education based on equality, humanity, and individual dignity is crucial to uprooting discrimination from society. Abandonment fundamentally shatters a person’s sense of security, often resulting in shattering, withdrawal, and internalized rejection. While this loss can be overwhelming, the path to restoring hope and rebuilding a fractured identity is deeply rooted in the transformative power of love, both from others and, crucially, from oneself. Reclaiming one’s own worthiness is essential for breaking the cycle of trauma. Choosing to love again, despite the risk of further hurt, is a courageous act that transforms grief into a deeper capacity for connection.” — Elisabeth Babarci

Elisabeth Babarci is a Canadian Empowerment Coach. Elisabeth’s humanitarian efforts throughout her entire life, ongoing training and education by certified professionals, and life experiences has enhanced her comprehension and understanding of how to help others become strong, resilient, and empowered. Elisabeth’s main focus is helping clients with empowerment and recovery from trauma. In advising and guiding her clients on how to cope with constant change in unstable environments to safe environments, allows the establishment of balance, inner peace, forgiveness, and equilibrium. Elisabeth’s goal is to help individuals acknowledge their inner strength, rehabilitate, restructure, rebuild, and reclaim their power to move forward in life. Elisabeth has direct experience with overcoming challenges and is dedicated and determined to seeing individuals become adaptive and resilient. WWW.BABARCI.COM

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